Monday, April 20, 2009

Edge's Do's and Don'ts for a Rockin' Rookie Season

Roving OTP Reporter and our OTP Muncie Bureau Chief, Edge brings his rock and roll attitude to the college football world whenever he gets the inkling. Through the season you'll find him grading the Cardinals in his weekly Rock and Roll Report Card, and checking in from time to time with his Life on the Edge series.

Edge's 25 Do's and Don'ts for a Rockin' Rookie Season

Congratulations! You are no longer a college football player, and your career in the NFL is just beginning. Here are 25 lessons from Edge to succeed as a rookie in the NFL:

#1 - Don't get arrested one month before the draft
#2 - Don't forget that Marvin Harrison has shot a man.
#3 - Don't decide to stage animal fights unless you want to get F'd in the A.
#4 - Don't eat everything in sight.
#5 - Do accept the Madden cover photo at your own risk. Same advice goes for clubbing and hanging with Ricky Williams.
#6 - Do avoid being a whiny bitch if your name comes up in trade talks. If you do your job well, this won't happen.
#7 - Don't think Plaxico Burress is a role model.
#8 - Do make it rain.
#9 - If Terrell Owens is traded to your team, do begin chemotherapy and radiation treatments.
#10 - Don't get diabetes.
#11 - If you really want to get paid handsomely, do stomp on someone's helmetless head, repent, and wait for the money bags to arrive in multiple Brinks armored trucks.
#12 - Don't take parenting advice from Travis Henry.
#13 - Don't accept the responsibility of holding any videocameras for a staff member from New England.
#14 - Don't expect retirement money.
#15 - Do make jokes at Vince Young's expense and make gentlemanly wagers on the exact day of his suicide.
#16 - Don't sleep over at Sean Taylor's house.
#17 - Do attend Narcotics Anonymous at least once with Michael Irvin just to get perspective.
#18 - Don't sign up for Ryan Leaf's "Steps to Success" seminar in Ballroom B of the Hilton.
#19 - Don't date Jessica Simpson.
#20 - Motorcycles. Don't.
#21 - Don't even let Roger Goodell find out you cheated on your math test in 2nd grade. That's 5 games, $45,000, and one weekend vacuuming his pool.
#22 - Do take part in a team dance, but challenge yourself to make it somewhat heterosexual.
#23 - If you love a crowd, don't head to Detroit.
#24 - Don't attend Ray Carruth's "So You Got Your Girlfriend Pregnant?" seminar, taking place in Ballroom A of the Hilton immediately following Ryan Leaf.
#25 - Do attempt to break records if you have the skill. Don't attempt to break Nate Newton's weight records - physical and weed-smuggling.


Anonymous said...

#26: Never look directly into the eyes of Al Davis. Ever.

Anonymous said...

#27: If Leon Lett asks you to ride with him anywhere, pass.

Anonymous said...

#16 is just wrong

BSSN said...

#28: Don't accept any sports memorabilia from OJ Simpson.

Alan said...

Especially sports memorabilia caked in dried blood.

Anonymous said...

#29 DO party with Pac Man, until the ghosts stop being blue.