Tom Collins Has a Message For Us All

Scene: Muncie, IN. LA Pittenger Student Center, Cardinal Hall. Low lighting, one podium, invited members of the media seated in anticipation of the announcement. Ball State Athletic Director Tom Collins walks to the microphone and begins to speak...

Tom Collins: Welcome, everyone! Invited guests, members of the media, distinguished alumni. I'm here because of the growing concern that somehow I am not in complete control of this search for a new head coach for our Cardinals. I am. Because I'm a talented Athletic Director and in complete control. To that end, and to focus more on the search at hand and interviewing some of the thousands of people who have expressed interest in this elite opportunity, I have named a Ball State Information Minister to address all of your concerns. He will be your primary contact. Please welcome, Bob!


Ball State Bob: Hello everyone. I am pleased to be in the service of Tom Collins, and Jo Ann Gora, two exceptional leaders, two beautiful people. Two people who know how to run a search, hire a coach, and lead Ball State athletics into the future. I will now field questions...

Media: Bob, how do you respond to reports about Stan Parrish already being offered the job?

Ball State Bob: By God, I think this is rather very unlikely. This is merely a prattle. Mr. Stan Parrish is good man. But Mr. Tom Collins field hundreds of calls per hour about job of coaching the university of Ball State Cardinals. Mr. Tom Collins good man. Mr. Tom Collins is smart man.

Media: But these were reports were verified by ESPN... the WorldWide Leader in Sports!

BallStateBob: Just look carefully, I only want you to look carefully. Do not repeat the lies of liars. Do not become like them. Mr. Tom Collins is the benchmark of integrity and honor. Mr. Tom Collins got degree. He has paper to prove it! Mr. Tom Collins is good man.

Media: Uh... ok. So back to this team... Can you comment on Ball State's preparation for the GMAC Bowl in Mobile? How does the team expect to win with all this turmoil?

BallStateBob: Tulsa will be burnt. We are going to tackle them. Mr. Tom Collins told team failure is not an option. Everything is going well in preparation for the infidels from Tulsa. Death to Tulsa. Mr. Tom Collins good man. Mr. Tom Collins smart man, good lover. Mr. Tom Collins best leader of university of Ball State ever.

Media: Uh... That's a bit extreme on the whole burning thing.

BallStateBob: Extreme times call for extreme measures. All is well in the land of Ball State football. The coaching search is progressing nicely. Do not believe those liars and infidels from ESPN. Mr. Tom Collins had to buy four new phones for the calls he is receiving. Lane Kiffin called, and said he wasn't good enough but wanted us to know good luck. Mr. Kiffin good man.

Media: Can you speak about the level of interest you've received for the head coach position other than Lane Kiffin?

BallStateBob: Mr. Tom Collins has fielded thousands of calls about the job. Pete Carrol called this morning. Vince Lombardi called as well. We cannot tell you how good this job is progressing. This is the best job in all of college football with the finest administrative support. Mr. Tom Collins gives all his staff what they need to be winners. And backrubs. Lots of backrubs.

Media: How have the current assistants responded to the lack of a new head coach or the lack of naming an interim coach?

BallStateBob: Everything is going well. This was the plan all along. There is no such thing as assistant coaches who are unhappy. All are happy and satisfied under the direction of Mr. Tom Collins and Jo Ann Gora. This is exactly the plan outlined when that traitor and infidel Brady Hoke left this team.

Media: Did you just call Brady Hoke an infidel?

BallStateBob: Brady Hoke is infidel. Mr. Tom Collins true patriot. Mr. Tom Collins smell good and have great personal hygiene. Mr. Tom Collins never show up to work late. Mr. Tom Collins almost as good as Jo Ann Gora, who is great university of Ball State president. She is a woman, though, and as such...

Tom Collins (interrupting): Ok... I think that's enough for this morning, but I welcome you all to contact the athletic office with any questions or media requests. Bob here brings a welcome voice of truth and honesty to the department. I would also like to thank one individual who has brought extreme notoriety and press to this Cardinals team. He trumpets them on a national stage and is committed to use his audience to further our name. Ladies and gentleman...

(Large crashing sound, bricks and rubble fly across the room)


Tom Collins: God damn it, Whitlock. Can't you just use the front door like everyone else?