Wednesday, December 17, 2008

OTP Consultants in the Service of Tom Collins... The Value Hires

Apparently, Ball State and athletic director Tom Collins sit in a holding pattern while Stan Parrish decides between San Diego, Muncie, or retirement. We here at OverThePylon are happy to help Tom out, and as such, have compiled our own list of candidates should the thumb twiddling grow tiresome and Collins decides to actually consider maybe potentially hiring someone. We've offered our ideal candidates, but with today's economy, the tight purse strings at BSU, and the inability of the administration to figure out how to pay a worthwhile coach, we offer some value alternatives as well...

Dustin Diamond
Experience: Stand up comic, lovable nerd, celebrity fit club drop out.
Last Seen: Wrestling other celebrities on CMT and wrestling sluts in a homemade sex tape.
Intangibles: Has extensive experience in dealing with high school athletic stars, such as AC Slater, star of Bayside High School. Brings a critical element of west coast recruiting. Strong student support at Ball State University.
Value: According to multiple sites, Diamond's fee is 15k to do a standup gig. And to be clear, this is the amount you have to pay him. Not what he pays you to not leave. So his assessment of "talent worth" may be a bit skew.

Knute Rockne
Experience: Former Notre Dame head coach, 6-time National Champion, 89% career winning percentage
Last Seen: At his funeral in 1931
Intangibles: He's, you know, dead
Value: Extremely cheap to get. Even when he was alive he only made $2400 per year coaching the Irish. Figure in the Corpse Discount and we can probably build an office for him too! That's what I call win-win baby!

The Noid
Experience: NES Game star, advertising pitchman for Domino's
Last Seen: Running around in skin tight red spandex, causing people to go batshit insane crazy.
Intangibles: Communicates with giggles and grr's, similar to Coach Ed Orgeron. Loves pizza. Travel food budget may be higher than when Coach Hoke was here.
Value: No need for a costume change, as the colors are already there. A good photoshop job can change the N to a B. Domino's hasn't used this cute little psycho maker in a while, so he may be cheap.

The Blowfish
Experience: Mult-platinum selling recording artists, and the vehicle for more drunken mid-90's frat house hookups than Zima. Huge South Carolina football fans. Pre-Spurrier.
Last Seen: Making solo albums that no one, even themselves, gave a shit about.
Intangibles: Three for the price of one! That's like triple coupon days at Marsh, Tom! Left behind by Hootie for his solo "career".
Value: We're not paying for Hootie, so I would imagine whatever school can match their current salaries at Guitar Center is the frontrunner.

Scott Stapp
Experience: Jesus freak, extreme douchebag. Fronted the band Creed, sued by the city of Chicago for sucking.
Last Seen: Douching it up somewhere.
Intangibles: May know nothing about football. Indecisive as he contemplated suicide and then failed to follow through, resulting in the frustration of...well... the planet.
Value: Stapp would need to pay us for this to even be remotely considered a "good deal"

Experience: Co-runs a Ball State football blog, knowledgeable about team and personnel. Beats the CPU on XBOX all the time. Ball State University experience and knowledge, especially of the female dorms.
Last Seen: In Chicago, IL peddling webspace to car dealerships
Intangibles: Potty mouth. Problem drinker. In love with Charlie Weis. According to booze soaked T-shirt, Jeff Samardzija is his homeboy.
Value: Through unconfirmed reports from RV's agent, all that would be required is an infinite supply of champagne bottles, the keycard to the Chi Omega lounge, and straight cash homey.


RV said...

I may be flexible with some of those demands. My sister is a Chi Omega, so that's no longer needed. I would like to get back at some Alpha Omicron Pi.

nick kline said...

ha... the smart money is on RV

Lucas said...

The Noid...I laughed so hard a little pee came out.

Brew said...

Hmm it's a toss up between RV or Screech...