Thursday, April 16, 2009

OTP News Exclusive: Percy Harvin

Roving Muncie bureau chief Edge was able to score an exclusive interview with Percy Harvin, he of blazing (see what I did there?) fast speed and paper mache ligaments. Harvin has been a newsmaker recently after two reports (1|2) surfaced that he allegedly failed a drug test for the ganj at the NFL Combine. There's been no comment from Percy or his agent.... until now.

Percy. Dude.


Any response about the news today?

Greg Paulus as the Michigan QB? Or my positive drug test?

Let's start with your positive test.

You know, the thing about that is it should be, you know, legal, you know? We got guys that drink and drive and all that, but I smoke a little. So what? My roommate listens to a lot of Widespread and the Dead, so it's just there, man. I mean it could be worse. What if they found coke? Or heroin? I mean, come on, there's worse things man... airplanes freak me out. How do they stay in the air?...what was your question?

I didn't really ask one Percy.

Well, anyway. I probably shouldn't talk about all this just yet without my lawyer or my agent.

Speaking of agents, how do you think your draft status will be affected by your positive test?

I don't know, really. Uhhh... just... I hope I land somewhere good where I can help.

Really? That's a stock answer if I ever heard one.

Ok, I really want to play for the Raiders. Sickest green out there, man. Any kind you want. Plus, they got this doctor that can flush you out, like they did for Latimer in "The Program".

I'm surprised you didn't try the cranberry juice method.

Nah man, that shit don't work. Clearly. Hey, did you ever see "The Matrix"?


That was the shit. Makes you think. Sometimes I sit and think that I'm just a battery. And I'm just providing electrical energy for someone or something. I don't know... it just makes you think, you know?

Uh, yeah. So back to...

Like, what if, like... ok... instead of my agent, it was really a Matrix agent. And he is trying to make sure that I stay plugged into the Matrix by keeping me happy with a big deal.

Yeah, that could be it. I could see that. Has Tim Tebow reached out to you yet?

Yeah, he said something about mission work and how it would help to get right with the Lord and all that. But I'm starting to believe in the Matrix. So, is there a God? Or is it some kind of all-knowing machine-baby?

Can we talk about something other than the Matrix for a second?

Sure, ok.

Other than getting baked, what do you do to relax? This has to be a stressful time for you, wondering who's going to pick you up and how much you'll make next year.

It is stressful. And occasionally, I like to smoke. Whatever. Other than that, I just like to think about stuff, you know? Like, ok... you know those areas of Africa that haven't even been explored yet? What kind of stuff do you think lives there? Some tribes, or a whole new species of bugs? Also, the pyramids. How did the Chinese make those? Then I think about other stuff, like do animals have a conscience? Sometimes it gets overwhelming thinking of all that, so I just go out and glue peoples' mailboxes shut, then I feel better.

Alright Percy, anything else you want to talk about before we wrap it up?

Nah, just that I'm pumped about the draft, and thanks for the talk. I like to just sit and talk about stuff sometimes. Like, how do those Kinoki foot pad things work? It's pretty cool, you know?

Ok Percy, nice talking to you. Thanks for the interview. I really have to go now.

Wanna hang later? We can watch "The Matrix".

Yeah, I'll call you.

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